Christian Marriage Counseling - The Purposes Christian marriage counseling is a tool to help people in troubled relationships learn to understand one another and God better. We might think, "I don't need counseling. I can solve my own problems just fine." But if you are here, visiting this site, it's likely you are in a situation that would benefit from an outsider's perspective. Christian marriage counseling can help you see what God wants from your marriage. Christian marriage counseling generally involves three main areas: 1) problems or issues in general, such as difficulty communicating, a loss of closeness, etc. 2) personal problems that develop or occur within marriage. 3) loss of a sense of God's principles for marriage. The need for marital counseling cannot be emphasized enough, even for Christians, because we live in a world that often encourages the destruction of marriage. As Christians, we additionally recognize the presence of an enemy, on the prowl to devour (1 Peter 5:8) marriages. From the beginning, marriage has been part of God's plan for His creation, and Satan is vehemently against this precious tradition. If we need evidence that we are in trouble, just take a look at the divorce rate both in Christian and non-christian environments. Christian Marriage Counseling - Problems or Issues Christian marriage counseling seeks to address problems and issues. If problems are not dealt with in a timely manner, they can fester and bring further devastation to a marriage. While problems are common to every marriage, Christians have the means to solve them. Think of it as deflecting a virus before it takes hold of our bodies. An appropriate response may not prevent the virus, but it can help us weather the storm and rebound stronger as a result. So in marriage, it is important to recognize and acknowledge problems early. Marriage counseling brings attention to these problems and helps resolve them. Prevalent problems include poor communication, a lack of closeness or intimacy, nagging, or anger. At the root of many of these problems is pride. We often believe we can solve our own problems. This can be aggravating in a marriage, especially when one spouse recognizes a need for help and the other refuses. The Bible tells us to examine ourselves (2 Corinthians 13:5). This principle would also include marriages, so if there are issues that need resolution, counseling is a godly choice. When spouses seek the Lord and are open to counsel and wisdom, they bring hope to their situation and show others that God can help them, too. Problems may also be relational, a result of not knowing how to interact, whether emotionally, intellectually, or physically. Other serious problems that could develop might be lying, adultery, pornography, emotional wounds, mental conditions, etc. When these problems are not dealt with, they represent a potentially crushing threat to the marriage. Christian Marriage Counseling - God's Principles of Marriage Christian marriage counseling helps us refocus on our priorities. It's easy for us to get distracted and lose sight of what and who is important. In addition to helping us find solutions to problems and issues, Christian counseling can provide marital and relationship-building techniques. By offering precepts from God's Word, good Christian marriage counseling can help quench the "viruses" that affect and harm our relationships. Christian marriage counseling can help us deal with the problems that threaten to tear apart our lives. Effective counseling reassures us that God cares and that He desires to be a central part in our marriage. We can learn principles from God's Word that will remind us in days to come of God's ideals for husbands and wives (Ephesians 5:21-33; 1 Peter 3:1-11). Christian marriage counselors share and encourage these precepts. How is your marriage? Is there a virus threatening to take hold? Does your relationship need realignment? Are you and your spouse following a biblical precedent? The Christian Marriage Problem Zachary Moore Permalink 8 comments trackback You may recall last year that I mentioned Craig Sowder's (formerly of the "Through the Eyes of Faith" blog, now renamed as "Autonomy is Madness") observation that Christian women are crazy. I have a lot of sympathy for Craig's perspective, and in a lot of ways I see his path in life as one that I could easily have taken, were it not for some hard questions I asked myself. Craig is, in all practical senses, a great guy, working hard at the insurance industry, trying to make a life for himself in the big city of Chicago, away from his friends and family in Southern Kentucky. That kind of life can be lonely- my brother-in-law lived in Chicago for a year before moving back to be closer to his family. And it's especially hard when you're a single guy, trying to follow your religious convictions. Almost as hard, I would guess, as being a single atheist. Which is why reading this article posted to Blog and Mablog really rubbed Craig the wrong way. It's a reference to a book that criticizes Christian singles, especially men, for not getting married by the age of 28. Getting close to that age himself, and without a matrimonial prospect, Craig spouted off at length about his criticism of such an idea. Now, Craig makes it clear that he's shooting from the hip here, which I appreciate. Common sense is usually aligned with the correct moral interpretation, and it's only in overthinking things that we run the risk of allowing ourselves to be rationalized into a conclusion that doesn't work. The criticism aimed at single Christians is thus: marriage is part of God's plan, so if you're not getting married, you're trying to thwart God. Craig's rebuttal is: Hey! Relationships are hard, especially in this day and age, and even more especially with Christian women, so get off my back! I can really sympathize with Craig- relationships are hard (and by the way, they don't get any easier once you're married), and it's especially hard to make a meaningful relationship with a Christian woman. In fact, just this past weekend I had a visit from an old friend, and we sat around drinking beer and reminiscing about the people we grew up with. The town I went to high school in was pleasantly rural, and circumstances had caused it to be populated by an inordinately high percentage of Christians. There was, literally, only one atheist in the school that I knew of, but the domination by Christians and Christian mindsets was just so overwhelming that it was barely noticed. Suffice it to say, all the girls that were in my class were Christian, and dating was quite a chore. As we ran through the list in our recollection, my friend and I had a lot of trouble picking out a single girl from our class who didn't end up having severe psychological problems, become pathologically promiscuous, or suddenly married a much older man (or all three). We were inclined to think that perhaps there was just something odd in the water in our hometown, but reading Craig's characterization strongly suggests that there might be a theological reason for this instead. Marriage is a special relationship between two people who find in each other the fulfillment of their core values. But for Christians, marriage IS the value- and fulfilling it is the end of the story. It doesn't really matter so much who the person is- just that it's a good Christian who wants kids. As Craig quotes from Doug Wilson, "Find out who she is, and marry her." It's precisely this casual attitude levied toward men who have reached their late twenties without getting hitched that is the problem. Is it really such a big suprise that divorce is most prevalent among Christian couples, if the only concern is finding "someone" instead of the "right one?" Craig rightly points out that finding a wife is not like picking out a jar of jelly in the grocery store. In the best case scenario, you might be able to pick out a woman who values marriage so much that she's willing to put up with an unfulfilling relationship if it means following God's will for her life. But then you end up with another problem- in the Christian marriage paradigm, both people are supposed to value their relationship with God more than their relationship with the other person. This serves an obvious memetic purpose- if both spouses are committed Christians, they will tend to pass on their religious understanding to any children they may have. But this is also a dangerous loophole- since her husband is outranked by God, then any Christian woman could conceivably justify any imaginable action on her part, up to and including infidelity and divorce, simply by rationalizing it as "God's will for her life." The progressive liberalization of Western culture has, in fact, served to erode the tight grip that husbands once held over their wives- men are supposed to be the "spiritual leaders" of the marriage, after all- and Christian women are feeling more and more empowered to think for themselves, and more importantly, to come to their own decisions about what "God wants" in their lives. Now, don't get me wrong- what I think is bad for Christian marriage is good for secular marriage. I mean, according to the Bible, Christian marriage isn't worth all that much anyway. What I find so unfortunate is that so many women are treating men badly, good men like Craig Sowder who, Christian or not, are also looking for someone to love and be loved by in return. The only solution, as I see it, is to promote a secular approach to marriage, as I mentioned before- leave God out of it. (And, as it happens, I am ordained as a minister and am able to officiate any secular ceremony if needed, free of charge.) • Keep God FIRST! • Pray Together! • Respect and honor each other! • Encourage each other to grow together! • Read the Bible together as much as possible! • Be swift to hear & slow to speak! • Make time to communicate with each other! • Protect and honor your marriage vows! • Do not let others come between your marriage! • Have a "Mission Statement" for your Marriage & Family! • Thank God everyday for your Mate & the Life you have together! • Understand that "love" is a choice, not a feeling!(You must choose everyday to Love your mate) Mark 10:9 "Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." Genesis 2:24 For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 5 Steps to Building Your Christian Marriage From Mary Fairchild, Your Guide to Christianity. FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now! How to Keep Your Christian Marriage Strong and Healthy Step 1 - Pray Together: Set aside time each day to pray with your spouse. My husband and I have found that first thing in the morning is the best time for us. We ask God to fill us with His Holy Spirit and give us strength for the day ahead. It brings us closer together as we care for each other every day. We think about what the day ahead holds for our partner. Our loving affection goes beyond the physical realm to the emotional and spiritually realms. This develops true intimacy with each other, and with God. Perhaps a better time for you as a couple might be just before you go to bed each night. It's impossible to fall asleep angry when you've just held hands together in God's presence. Tip: Learn these basics to prayer. Sponsored Links Apostolic Sermon OutlinesOver 3000 Bible Studies and Sermons From over 150 Pentecostal Preacherswww.ApostolicSermon.com Jesus loves youLearn about Jesus Christ And how He can give you new lifewww.Jesus2020.com Christianity & The BibleThe Bible reveals God's way to be forgiven and how to be saved.www.ChristianIssues.biz/ Step 2 - Read Together: Set aside time each day, or at least once a week, to read the Bible together. This might also be described as a time of devotions. About five years ago my husband and I began setting aside time each weekday morning to read the Bible and pray together, for a couple's devotional. We read to each other, either from the Bible, or from a devotional book, and then we spend a few minutes in prayer together. We've had to commit to rising from sleep about 30 minutes earlier in order to do this, but it's been a wonderful, intimate time of strengthening our marriage. It took 2 1/2 years, but what a sense of accomplishment we felt when we realized we had read through the entire Bible together! Tip: Find out how spending time with God can enrich your life. Step 3 - Make Decisions Together: Commit to making important decision together. I'm not talking about deciding on what to eat for dinner. Major decisions, like financial ones, are best decided as a couple. One of the greatest areas of strain in a marriage is the area of finances. As a couple you should discuss your finances on a regular basis, even if one of you is better at handling the practical aspects, like paying the bills and balancing the check book. Spending secrets will drive a wedge between you faster than anything else. If you agree to come to mutual decisions on how the finances are handled, you will strengthen trust between you and your partner. Also, you won't be able to keep secrets from each other if you commit to making all important family decisions together. This is one of the best ways to develop trust as a couple. Tip: Check out these top 8 books about marriage. Step 4 - Attend Church Together: Get involved in a church together. Find a place of worship where you and your spouse will not only attend together, but enjoy areas of mutual interest, such as serving in a ministry and making Christian friends together. The Bible says in Hebrews 10:24-25, that one of the best ways we can stir up love and encourage good deeds is by remaining faithful to the Body of Christ by meeting together regularly as believers. Tip: Discover practical advice on finding a church. Step 5 - Continue Dating: Set aside special, regular times to continue developing your romance. Once married, couples often neglect the area of romance, especially after the kids come along. Continuing a dating life may take some strategic planning on your part as a couple, but it is vital to maintaining a secure and intimate marriage. Keeping the romance alive will also be a bold testimony to the strength of your Christian marriage. Tip: Consider these great ways to say "I love you." Conclusion: These 5 steps require real, committed effort on your part. Falling in love may have been effortless, but building your Christian marriage and keeping it strong, does require work. However, the blessings and rewards of that effort are priceless and immeasurable. Tip: Find out what the Bible says about marriage. The Christian views of marriage historically have regarded marriage as ordained by God for the lifelong union of a man and a woman. This foundational principle was first articulated biblically in the Book of Genesis (2:24). Later, Jesus set forth his basic position on marriage by bringing together two important passages from Genesis (1:27; 2:7–25). He pointed to the completion of the creation — "male and female he created them." Then he described marriage as a relationship, a union, so intimate and real that "the two become one flesh." As persons, husband and wife are of equal value. In truth, they are one. Finally, Jesus added his emphasis on marriage being God-made and lifelong: Have you not read, he replied, that at the beginning the Creator "made them male and female," and said, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh"? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate (Matthew 19:4–6, Mark 10:6–9). The Apostle Paul quoted these passages from both Genesis and Jesus almost verbatim in two of his New Testament books (1 Corinthians 6:15–17 and in Ephesians 5:30–32). For Christians, Jesus dignified the institution of marriage by performing the first of the recorded miracles of Jesus at a wedding. See Marriage at Cana (John 2:1–11). Christian marriage is seen by Paul (Ephesians chapter 5) as paralleling the relationship between Christ and the Church, a theological view which is a development of the Old Testament view that saw a parallel between marriage and the relationship between God and Israel (Ephesians 5:21–33; also Revelations 19:7). Marriage at Cana by Marten de Vos, 1597. (Antwerp Cathedral). Marriage, especially marriage between believers, is often analogized to a picture of the Trinity.[1] Though a woman and a man are separate individuals, in Christian marriage they become joined by God as one flesh in a manner analogous to Adam and Eve, who were distinct persons though literally created from the same flesh (Genesis 2:23-25, Matthew 19:4-6, Mark 10:7-9, 1 Corinthians 6:16, Ephesians 5:30-32) The relationships — (a) in the Trinity, (b) between husband and wife, and (c) between Christ and individual believers — are analogous to each other. Each of these relationships points to the unity of individual believers and the Church with Christ and with the Father. Christian marriage is portrayed as the epitome of mutuality. Neither spouse owns her or his own body; that body belongs to the other spouse, and to them both jointly[1] (1 Corinthians 7:4). All major Christian groups take marriage to be normal and proper, to be "held in honor among all" (Hebrews 13:4). Biblically, weddings are described as times of joy. In 1 Timothy, chapter 4, St. Paul talks of heretics who, among other things, "forbid marriage" and he describes their views as "doctrines of demons." Catholicism and Orthodoxy traditionally see an even greater value in celibacy when that celibacy is undertaken for the sake of a more single-minded devotion to God, but believe that not everyone has this calling from God and acknowledge marriage is preferred by most people. This belief comes from Paul's first letter to the church at Corinth in chapter 7, which he sums up in verses 8 and 9 as: Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:8–9). Sometimes used as a symbol for Christian marriage: Two gold wedding rings interlinked with the Greek letters chi (X) and rho (P)—the first two letters in the Greek word for "Christ" (see Labarum) Most Christian wedding ceremonies take place in churches. Some couples are choosing quaint or nostalgic secular locations in which to be married by clergy. Christian groups, some more harshly than others, frown on divorce. The Christian church at large has not escaped liberal influences of the sexual revolution. An indication of such influences is greater tolerance within the church of couples living together without marriage (cohabitation, and if sexual, fornication), extramarital affairs (adultery) and no-fault divorce. This is happening in spite of the fact that these practices conflict with doctrinal beliefs present in Christianity since its founding. Contents [hide] • 1 View of Roman Catholic Church • 2 View of the Eastern Orthodox Church • 3 Views of Protestant Christians o 3.1 The Complementarian view o 3.2 The Egalitarian View • 4 Views of other Churches • 5 See also • 6 Footnotes • 7 External links [edit] View of Roman Catholic Church Main article: Catholic marriage Roman Catholic couple receiving Holy Communion at their wedding. In Roman Catholicism, the Church teaches that marriage is God's doing: "God himself is the author of marriage," which is his way of showing love for those he created. Because a marriage is a divine institution it can never be broken, even if the partners are legally divorced: as long as they are both alive, the Church considers them bound together by God.[2] Marriage is intended to be a faithful, exclusive, lifelong union of a man and a woman joined in an intimate community of life and love. They commit themselves completely to each other and to the responsibility of bringing children into the world and caring for them. The call to marriage is considered to be woven deeply into the human spirit. Man and woman are equal. However, as created, they are different from, but made for, each other. This complementarity, including sexual difference, draws them together in a mutually loving union that should be always open to the procreation of children.[3] In God's plan for marriage, holy matrimony is considered an intimate union in which the spouses give themselves, as equal persons, completely and lovingly to one another. The Roman Catholic Church teaches that marriage is both a natural institution and a sacred union because it is rooted in the divine plan for creation. The valid marriage of baptized Christians is one of the seven Roman Catholic sacraments — a saving reality. Marriage is seen as a public sign in at least two ways: • It is a public sign that a husband and a wife each gives oneself totally to each other. • It is also a public statement about God: the loving union of husband and wife speaks of family values and also God's values. According to the Church's Catechism, "the spouses as ministers of Christ's grace mutually confer upon each other the sacrament of Matrimony by expressing their consent before the Church."[4] In opposing making same-sex unions equal to marriage, the Catholic Church views marriage as originating from God, though it is regulated by civil laws and church laws. Therefore, its stance is that neither church nor state can alter the basic meaning and structure of marriage. Husband and wife give themselves totally to each other in their masculinity and femininity.[5][6] Catholics are encouraged to marry other Catholics in order to attain a "perfect union of mind and full communion of life, but it is also the priest's duty to remember that marriage is part of God's natural law and to support the couple if they do choose to marry. In spite of ideal of Catholics marrying Catholics, the reality is that today it is common for Catholics to enter into a mixed marriage (a marriage between a Catholic and a baptized non-Catholic). Couples entering into a mixed marriage are usually allowed to marry in a Catholic church provided they have embraced the following principles: • They have chosen to marry of their own accord with no external pressure • They intend to remain together for life • They intend to be faithful to each other • They intend to have children if the bride is of childbearing age When one member of the couple is not a Catholic, a dispensation is required for a mixed marriage to take place. This is normally granted by the priest who is conducting the marriage. If one of the partners is not baptized (they belong to a non-Christian religion, or to none) a dispensation for disparity of the cult is required. This must be granted by the bishop. It is usually a straightforward matter as long as the dispensation is applied for in time. The priest will usually take care of the paperwork.[2] Before a marriage takes place, a couple must spend time with the priest to talk about the sanctity of marriage and their role within the church in preparation for their life together. Questions concerning family and children, money issues, lifestyle choices and religion will be asked. These marriage preparations are known as pre-Cana. It is an educational and maturing process for married life. Pre-Cana can take place over six months or an intensive weekend course and is mandatory for Catholics wishing to get married. While a couple is engaged but not yet married, they are expected to refrain from sexual activity: "They should reserve for marriage the expressions of affection that belong to married love." This is because the Church teaches that sex is part of the procreation process and should only happen within the right framework, which is marriage.[2] [edit] View of the Eastern Orthodox Church The Wedding of Nicholas II and Grand Duchess Alexandra Feodorovna, by Ilya Yefimovich Repin, 1894 (Russian State Museum, St. Petersburg). In Eastern Orthodoxy, marriage is treated as a Sacred Mystery (sacrament), and as an ordination. And, like all ordinations, it is considered to be a martyrdom, as each spouse learns to die to him- or herself for the sake of the other. Like all Mysteries, Orthodox marriage is more than just a celebration of something which already exists: it is the creation of something new, the imparting to the couple of the grace which transforms them from a 'couple' into husband and wife within the Body of Christ.[7] In addition, marriage is an icon (image) of the relationship between Jesus and the Church. This is somewhat akin to the Old Testament prophets' use of marriage as an analogy to describe the relationship between God and Israel. Marriage is simplest, most basic unity of the church: a congregation where "two or three are gathered together in [Jesus'] name" (Matthew 18:20).[7] The home is considered a consecrated space (the ritual for the Blessing of a House is based upon that of the Consecration of a Church), and the husband and wife are considered the ministers of that congregation. However, the do not "perform" the Sacraments in the house church, they "live" the Sacrament of Marriage. Because marriage is considered to be a pilgrimage wherein the couple walk side by side toward the Kingdom of Heaven, marriage to a non-Orthodox partner is discouraged, though it may be permitted. Unlike Western Christianity, Eastern Orthodox Churches do not consider the sacramental aspect of the marriage to be conferred by the couple themselves. Rather, the marriage is conferred by the action of the Holy Spirit acting through the priest. Furthermore (and again, unlike in the West), no one besides a bishop or priest—not even a deacon—may perform the Sacred Mystery. Orthodox betrothal depicted by Vasily Vladimirovich Pukirev, 1832. The external sign of the marriage is not the exchange of rings (which takes place at the betrothal, not at the marriage); rather, it is the placing of wedding crowns upon the heads of the couple, and their sharing in a "Common Cup" of wine. For this reason, the Orthodox name for the Rite of Marriage is "Crowning". Among the Greeks, the crowns will often be garlands; among the Russians the crowns will usually be of gold, with an icon of Christ on the groom's crown and the Theotokos (Virgin Mary) on the bride's crown. These crowns may be joined together by a ribbon. The sharing of the Common Cup is reminiscent of Christ's first miracle at the Wedding at Cana of Galilee (John 2:1–11), and symbolizes the transformation of their union from a common marriage, as the world knows it, into a sacred union. The wedding is usually performed after the Divine Liturgy, at which the couple will have received Holy Communion. Like all Sacred Mysteries, the bride and the groom must go to Confession before receiving it. Divorce is discouraged, but sometimes out of economia (mercy) a marriage may be dissolved if there is no hope whatever for a marriage to fulfill even a semblance of its intended sacramental character.[7] A lay member may remarry, if they obtain the blessing of their bishop to do so. However, in such a case, a different ceremony, the Rite of Second Marriage, which is less joyful and more penitential, sober and somber is used. This rite is also much shorter than the full Crowning—and in fact, no crowns are used. A third marriage is very much discouraged. This form is used only when both members of the wedding couple have been previously married, so as not to punish the innocent one.[8] Those Orthodox priests who serve in parishes are usually married. They must marry prior to their ordination, and if their wife dies, they are forbidden to remarry (if they do, they may no longer serve as a priest). Early church texts forbid marriage between an Orthodox Christian and a heretic or schismatic (which would include all non-Orthodox Christians). Traditional Orthodox Christians forbid mixed marriages with other denominations. In Eastern Orthodox theology, all people are called to celibacy—human beings are all born into virginity, and Orthodox Christians are expected by Sacred Tradition to remain in that state unless they are called into marriage and that call is sanctified.[7] The church blesses two paths on the journey to salvation: monasticism and marriage. Mere celibacy, without the sanctification of monasticism can fall into selfishness, and tends to be regarded with disfavour by the Church.[7] A married man may be ordained as a priest or deacon. However, a priest or deacon is not permitted to enter into matrimony after ordination, whether he has become divorced or widowed, or even if he had been single at the time of ordination. Bishops must always be monks, and are thus celibate. Overall, there is a far less legislative approach regarding married life than in Roman Catholicism. [edit] Views of Protestant Christians The Wedding of Stephen Beckingham and Mary Cox by William Hogarth, c. 1729 (Metropolitan Museum of Art, N.Y.). Almost all Protestant denominations hold marriage to be ordained by God for the union between a man and a woman. They see the primary purpose of this union to be to glorify God by demonstrating his love to the world. Other purposes of marriage include intimate companionship, rearing children and mutual support for both husband and wife to fulfill their life callings. Protestants generally approve of birth control and consider marital sexual pleasure to be a gift of God. Conservative Protestants take a strict view of the nature of marriage. They consider marriage a solemn covenant between wife, husband and God. Most view sexual relations as appropriate only within a marriage. Divorce is permissible, if at all, only in very specific circumstances (i.e., sexual immorality, abandonment by the non-believer).[9][10] Since the 1970s, many in Protestant denominations and some other Christians have been debating whether equality of husband and wife or male headship is the biblically-ordained view. They have divided into basically two groups: complementarians (who call for male headship and other distinct gender roles) and the Christian Egalitarians (who call for full partnership equality and for couples to discover and negotiate roles and responsibilities in marriage).[11] [edit] The Complementarian view See also: Complementarianism and Christian views about women The Complementarian (also known as Traditionalist or Hierarchical) view of marriage maintains that gender-based roles and a husband-headship/wife-submission structure is biblically required in marriage. The term, complementarian, emphasizes equality at Creation, yet different compulsory roles in marriage. The husband and wife are of equal "worth" before God, since both are created in God's image, but not equal in "function" or responsibility. The husband has the God-given responsibility to provide for, to protect, and to lead his family. Wives are expected to respect their husbands' authority and submit to it.[12] However, some Complementarian authors caution that a wife's submission should never cause her to "follow her husband into sin."[13] The Complementarian view, as stated by several prominent evangelical leaders in what is called The Danvers Statement,[14] A more detailed statement of the Complementarian view of marriage appears in Southern Baptist Convention's Baptist Faith and Message (2000): The husband and wife are of equal worth before God, since both are created in God's image. The marriage relationship models the way God relates to his people. A husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He has the God-given responsibility to provide for, to protect, and to lead his family. A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ. She, being in the image of God as is her husband and thus equal to him, has the God-given responsibility to respect her husband and to serve as his helper in managing the household and nurturing the next generation. – Article XVIII. The Family. Baptist Faith and Message 2000 Some Complementarians say their view of scripture leads them to take a stance against women working for pay and holding positions of authority in the secular, religious, and political world.[12] [edit] The Egalitarian View See also: Christian egalitarianism and Christian views about women Those who believe that full partnership in marriage is the most biblical view, producing the most intimate, wholesome and mutually fulfilling marriages, hold that the Apostle Paul's statement recorded in Galatians 3:28 applies to all Christian relationships, including Christian marriage: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28). Jesus, the Son of God, proclaimed, "So, they are no longer two, but one flesh." (Matthew 19:6) Both Complementarians and Christian Egalitarians agree that the Apostle Paul wrote that the "husband is head" and "wives, submit," and that he was divinely inspired to write what he wrote. Christians with an Egalitarian Full Partnership view of marriage are just as concerned about biblical authority as are Complementarian Christians. The difference is where they each end up by way of interpretation of pertinent Scriptures. Complementarians understand "head" to mean "leader" and "authority figure," as the head of an organization like its president or chief executive officer. Christian Egalitarians consider this understanding to be contrary to the teachings and example of Jesus Christ. Therefore, they believe more attention needs to be given to discerning (1) what Paul actually meant when he penned those instructions, (2) to what extent his gender-based guidance was intended for an abusive first century culture in which women were considered disposable entities, chattel (property of husband) and permanently minors legally and to what extent he was prescribing a hierarchical relationship in which wives must be under husband authority for all people in all times. Much has been written concerning the meaning of "head" in the New Testament. The word used for "head," transliterated from Greek, is kephalē — which means the anatomical head of a body. Today's English word "cephalic" (sə-făl'ĭk) means "Of or relating to the head; or located on, in, or near the head." In the New Testament, a thorough concordance search shows that the second most frequent use of "head" (kephalē), after "the structure that connects to our neck and sits atop our bodies," is the metaphorical sense of "source." In Hebrew thought, perhaps greatly because of the law of primogeniture, which gave the first-born considerable rights and privileges over later born siblings, it was very important to determine who came first in birth order. Therefore, Paul and other rabbis pointed to the Genesis 2:22 record, "the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man," making it clear that the male was the first-created (first "born") and therefore perpetually entitled to special rights and privileges under primogeniture. While it is benevolent to consider the husband's headship as meaning he is the source who works to ensure his wife's growth and development as a person, it still requires gender bias, implying that somehow he is uniquely (and better) qualified to provide growth and development to her, more than she would be to mutually provide those benefits to him. The wife's submission is seen in the context of Paul's injunction (in Ephesians 5:21) for all Christians to submit to one another. A straightforward reading of Matthew 20:25–26a, Mark 10:42, and Luke 22:25 may lead one to conclude that Jesus even forbids any hierarchy of relationships in Christian relationships: "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you!" While "lord it over" implies abusive leadership, his words "exercise authority" have no connotation of abuse of authority. [edit] Views of other Churches A Celestial Marriage must be performed in an LDS temple. In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ("LDS Church"; see also Mormon), "Celestial Marriage" is a sacred covenant between a man, a woman and God performed by a priesthood authority in the temples of the Church. Eternal Marriage is legally recognized, but unlike other civil marriages, Eternal Marriage is intended to continue into the afterlife after the resurrection if the man and woman do not break their covenants. Eternally married couples are often referred to as being "sealed" to each other. Sealed couples who keep their covenants are also promised to have their posterity sealed to them in the after life. Thus, the slogan of the LDS Church: "families are forever." The LDS Church encourages its members to be in good standing with it so that they may marry in the temple. "Cancellation of a sealing," sometimes incorrectly called a "temple divorce," is uncommon and is granted only by the highest authority in the Church. Civil divorce and marriage outside the temple is somewhat of a stigma in the Latter-day Saint culture although currently the Church itself directs its local leaders not to advise members about divorce one way or another.[15] In the New Church (or Swedenborgianism), marriage is considered a sacred covenant between one man, one woman and the Lord. The doctrine of the New Church teaches that married love (sometime translated conjugal love) is "the precious jewel of human life and the repository of the Christian religion" because the love shared between a husband and a wife is the source of all peace and joy.[16] Marriage is also meant to be eternal and divorce is only allowable when the spiritual union is broken by adultery. When a husband and wife work together to become angels in heaven, their marriage continues uninterrupted even after the death of their bodies, living together in heaven to eternity. Emanuel Swedenborg spoke to angels who had been married for thousands of years. Those who are never married on earth will find a spouse in heaven. Problems within Christian marriages. The predominate problems within Christian marriages are, while going into all would be difficult to say the least, but the three that come to my attention the most often and cover a good 95% are: First let me get you to understand that any interference with a Christian marriage, any troubles within the marriage of two Born Again Washed in the Blood of the Lamb Christians is caused by satan. And just as satan has many names, so does he have many problems to throw at Christian couples. The most common problem with the Christian marriage occurs most often when a couple came to Christ after they were married and neither was saved before they were married, sex. Or more specifically, the lack of sex and more often the lack of diverse sex. Next comes problems with a wife submitting to her husband. And third is problems dealing with the way the kids are raised. Let's start with the problem of sex or lack of it in marriage. It seems that what happens is this, a man and a woman live together, they shack up for a couple of years and then for one reason or another get married. During the time they are unsaved, both while living together and married, they have had a very diverse and exciting sex life. But, after getting saved, their sex life becomes one of only vaginal sex for procreation only. At first, he is willing to go along with this, but after a while he starts to get, well let us say, disappointed, saddened and eventually resentful. How did this happen? Where did they get the idea that God only wants a married couple to have sex to have kids? Well, I am sad to say, they hear it from the pulpit. Too many preachers preach what God meant to say instead of what He did say. They will take various verses out of the Bible and those verses, their own meanings, not stick to what is written and the context in which the verse is used. My answer to them is simply to repeat Scripture to them. Now there are many, but I am going to limit this to two. First in the book of Hebrews we read that, all things in marriage are honorable and the marriage bed is undefiled by anything that a married couple do in the course of marriage, but, for those who do anything sexually outside of marriage, God will judge them as whoremongers and adulterers. Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4) Second is the clearest possible quote, in it we will see that God prohibits men from doing with men what only should be done between man and wife. Not only does He prohibit it, He calls for the execution of those who do anything between two of the same sex that He has reserved for actions between husband and wife. Now what you must bear in mind, is this, if God only meant for husband and wife to engage in vaginal sex, than He would never have been able to say what He did in Leviticus 20:13. If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. (Leviticus 20:13) Ignore for the time being the part about execution and let us just focus on "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination:" No, let us look further at what God has said here. What we are going to do is look at it as if the preacher who preached that the only sex allowable within married life is vaginal sex and then only for procreation. So, if that were the case God would have said: If a man also lie with mankind and have vaginal sex for procreation with him as he would with a woman they have committed an abomination. That makes no sense, since man can not have vaginal sex with another man, not to mention procreate. So, what is it that men can do between themselves? What is it that women can do between themselves? Those are the things God is prohibiting out side of the marriage bed and specifically prohibiting between two of the same sex. He is using what is good and acceptable between husband and wife as what is wrong and unacceptable between two of the same sex. Once a Christian husband and wife understand that God created sex, not only to procreate, but made it enjoyable in all aspects for them to enjoy, while it may take them a while, the problems go away. How? by reading God's word for themselves and praying for His help in understanding His word. The next big problem in Christian marriages is with the wife submitting to her husband and the misconceptions it brings. This one, believe it or not, is really easy to address. God has placed in wives a desire to submit to their husbands. Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. (Genesis 3:16) God has taken and placed within the very fiber, soul and conscience of a woman the desire to be ruled by her husband, " and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.". So how is it that so many woman have a hard time submitting or their husbands think they are not submitting properly? Same answer as to the one dealing with sex. The pulpit! Listen to ten different preachers and you'll get ten different explanations on submission. So, let us once again revert to what God says, for after all, not only did He put into woman the desire to be ruled by her husband, He also created both husband and wife. And no one, but no one, knows the creation better than the Creator. How does a man get his wife to submit to him and what does submit mean? First let's look at what submit means. It does not mean being a slave! What it means is deferring to his judgement. And how does a man get his wife to submit? Well he does it by being to his family what Christ is to the church and doing for his family what Christ did for His church. Let us go to Scripture: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it; That He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. (Ephesians 5:22-30) So, it boils down to this, if a man treats his wife as Jesus treats His church, if he is willing to suffer and die for her, if he is willing to treat his wife with as much love as he treats his testicles, his wife will submit to him in everything, just as the Born Again Washed in the Blood of the Lamb Christian submits in all things to Jesus. Now, see the third problem, the one dealing with the raising of children? Well, go back to the answer of submission by wives and read it like this: So, it boils down to this, if a man treats his children as Jesus treats His church, if he is willing to suffer and die for his children, if he is willing to treat his children with as much love as he treats his eyes, his children will obey him, just as the Born Again Washed in the Blood of the Lamb Christians obey Jesus. And to all three, add this: and prayer. Pray for the Lord's help with your wife and with your children. And lead your family in daily worship, for as you don't understand the word of God by listening to commentary by preachers, nor do they. Daily prayer and daily Bible study and devotions by the entire family led by the man of the house is all that is needed. May the Lord our God, Messiah Yeshua be with and bless you all, may He hear your prayers and help you to be the man He wants you to be. And may He cause revival on the pulpits of this nation, may He open the eyes of those who preach what He said, not what they want Him to have said. And Lord help wives and husbands to thoroughly enjoy that gift of sex that You gave to them. Amen. God blessed America when she feared Him, now it appears, she may face His wrath. The Punch Sunday, 4 Mar 2007 Dealing with the challenges of inter-tribal marriage Chinyere Fred-Adegbulugbe Even after several years of marriage, Patrick’s friends and relatives still look at him as one misguided fellow. Just the other day, one of his uncles met him on the road and after exchanging pleasantries asked him why he decided to leave all Efik girls and settle for a Yoruba girl. “So you mean all this money and property you have are going to be wasted on Yoruba people when we have a lot of beautiful Efik girls?” he asked. That was not the first time he was confronted with such questions and sometimes, he wonders if he did not make a mistake, especially when he considers the fact that he is not having such a wonderful marriage. When asked what problems he is having in his marriage, he says though he loves his wife very well, there always seem to be one problem or the other with their relationship. So he wonders if the tribe factor could not be affecting them. Many times when people decide to choose spouses from tribes different from theirs, there are objections from those close to them. Is love so far away and elusive that one would travel across lands and waters to find it? Why would one not just find his or her mate among her own kind or tribe? But in Nigeria, inter-tribal marriages take place everyday and especially in the metropolitan towns like Lagos, where people of different tribes, work, eat, drink, sleep and live together on daily basis, It is simply inevitable. A psychologist and lecturer in the Department of Psychology, Obafemi Awolowo University, Ife, Dr Adekunle Adegoke, says that people marrying others from tribes other than theirs is usually a fallout of social and even religious interactions. “People go to the same college, belong to the clubs, are members of the same church, so one way or the other, you can’t rule out inter-tribal marriages,” he says. However, many people believe there is something wrong with inter-tribal marriages. They believe that inter-tribal marriages are quite different from marriages involving people of the same tribe. Adegoke says, “There is always the issue of culture in terms of the values attached to it. People have different cultures and attach different values to them, therefore when inter-tribal marriage is contemplated, that has to be taken into consideration. And you know the language barrier can be there.” For a marriage counsellor and Managing Director of Romeo and, Juliet, a Lagos based match-making outfit, Mrs Mopelola Ogunlesi, the answer lies in the peculiar challenges that usually confront inter-tribal marriages. Marriages generally have challenges, which couples must confront and grapple with, if their union is to be successful, but when it comes to inter-tribal marriages, the challenges seem to be multiplied. “One of such pressures she says is cultural and this seems to be the most challenging of the lot. This she says is very important because what they practise in the tribe you are marrying into may be totally different from yours. And if one is not careful, the pressure might mar the marriage at the end. Those cultural practices, Ogunlesi says, could be food, dressing, forms of salutation and other traditional practices like feminine genital mutilation which is still being practised by some tribes in Nigeria. “Though these days, it is no longer being practised by enlightened people, those days, if a man insisted that his daughter must be circumcised, there was nothing the woman could do,” she says. However she states that it is wrong for the partners not to let each other know about those cultures before marriage so that each would know and prepare on how to go about coping with it. “It is unfair not to tell your future partner about the culture in your family and tribe, so she would know the ones she can bear. “For instance, in some parts of Yoruba land, a woman is not allowed to eat salt after putting to bed for as long as 7 or 15 days There are also some parts where there is a vegetable like efo odu, which she should not eat or the child will die,” she says. There is the language pressure, Ogunlesi says. And to mitigate against that, she advises the intending couples to 1earn each other’s languages. According to her, it makes communication easier and drives away unnecessary suspicion from their minds. “For instance, if you as a lady is married to a man whose language you cannot speak and one day his sister comes and after they must have conferred in your presence and she leaves, if he does anything you don’t like you may just jump to the conclusion that it must have been what the sister told him that influenced him, however, it may not be so, But because you don’t understand the language of their conversation, you may just feel that way and such little misunderstandings might end up destroying the marriage,” she says. There is also what she called extended family pressure, which should be expected in every marriage. “Especially in our African society where the extended family system has such a strong foundation, it always comes to bear, even in marriages where people of the same tribe get married, you find pressures coming from members of the extended family. You see members of the husband and wife’s family all struggling for the couple’s attention And giving them all sorts of unsolicited advice,” Ogunlesi says. And if they are from different tribes, the pressure becomes multiplied. According to her “Since they are from different tribes, the pieces of advice would be different, it is therefore left for them to choose what is suitable for them. But they must accept the two families and be cheerful so they would allow them to enjoy-their marriage because marriage in Nigeria is not in isolation unlike in the western world,” she says. And the issue of naming the children may also pose a problem for the couple if they are not careful. Each might want the child to bear a name in his or her language and that is where the problem lies, especially when the parents and aunties and uncles start coming with their own names for just one child. However, she advises that the immediate couple should decide the name they want to call their children. But even if the husband insists on naming the child in his own language against the wife’s wishes, Ogunlesi says that should not become a source of conflict in the home. Rather, she says, the wife should bow to her husband’s decision. “Still nothing prevents you from calling your child Nkem, even though your husband has named her Bunmi,” she says. But all these challenges notwithstanding, Ogunlesi insists that inter-tribal marriages not only work out well but do work even better than non-inter-tribal ones and that in some cases, it all depends on the couple concerned, “the bulk rests on the couple. They are the ones who have decided to come together so they must be united; do things together, play together, pray together and eat together, That way, it would be difficult for anybody to put a wedge between them. And inter-tribal marriages should be encouraged so the country would be united. But parents tend to discourage it due to what she termed excessive love and the desire to avert any possible dangers for their children. According to her, from her experiences at her match-making agency, these days, singles intending to get married don’t really care where their partners come from as long as they love each other. However, some do bow to parental pressure, especially the younger girls. But the older ones take their decisions and stick by them. Their parents don’t dictate for them anymore, rather they accept the decisions they make and support them instead. And like she said when it comes to matters of love, one hardly has a choice of where the heart would choose to go. In Kenya, intertribal marriages fall victim to election violence The Associated Press Published: January 25, 2008 E-Mail Article Listen to Article Printer-Friendly 3-Column Format Translate Share Article Text Size CHEPKANGA, Kenya: He never calls. He never writes. His phone has been switched off for weeks. After 17 years, Naomi Kering's husband is gone, one more interethnic marriage strained by the tribal violence that has followed Kenya's disastrous presidential election. In the riots and ethnic violence following the Dec. 27 vote, love has not been immune. Marriages that united different ethnic groups are now splitting up as communities shun the Kikuyu tribe of President Mwai Kibaki, whose disputed re-election unleashed a wave of bloodshed that has killed at least 685 people. "The kids always ask me, 'Where is he?' And I always say he is going to come back," Kering, a 34-year-old Kalenjin, told The Associated Press as she stood in the burned-out rubble of her home, which a mob torched last month because her husband is a Kikuyu. "But I hope he stays away, because I love him and I want him to be safe." The ethnic unrest following Kibaki's re-election has torn at the fabric of Kenyan society, forcing families to confront tribal identities many had cast aside long ago. And while relationship troubles may sound frivolous when stacked up against the bloodshed, marriages like Kering's had represented hope for what Kenya could be as a nation. The breakups are a sign of the deep and abiding toll of the election's violent aftermath. Today in Africa & Middle East Kofi Annan sees progress in Kenya but says no political solution has been reached Israel trims Gaza electricity, prompting warning from U.S. New centrifuges in Iran intensify nuclear weapons debate "This election has changed the very essence of these marriages," said the Rev. Charles Kirui, a Catholic priest in the nearby town of Burnt Forest, where hundreds of Kikuyus took shelter in his church. "Marriages are breaking up because of a tribal conflict, which means we really have a problem in Kenya." There are no figures on how many marriages and relationships are ending because of tribal strife, although deepening ethnic divisions are ravaging the society, particularly in the heart of opposition territory in western Kenya. Tribal tensions are not new here, although the election has sparked the most bitter — and, some fear, lasting — hatreds yet in a country once seen as a stable democracy on a violent continent. After independence in 1963, then-President Jomo Kenyatta flooded this region, native to the Kalenjin and Luo tribes, with his Kikuyu people. The Kikuyu settlers quickly prospered, growing into the most powerful of Kenya's 42 ethnic groups, running businesses and politics. But favoritism shown to Kikuyus fueled old resentments. Some of the worst clashes since the election have pitted Kikuyus against the Kalenjin. Kering said she never imagined the bloodshed would jeopardize her marriage to Isaac Guthua. The couple fell in love more than 15 years ago, when he would stop by the beauty salon where she worked nearly every day just for a glance of her. On the night the election results were announced, however, Guthua said he could not stay. Kikuyus were being hunted down and slaughtered. As Kering cooked dinner and Guthua watched the news, they heard screams in the distance — a mob was coming for Guthua and other Kikuyus, including his two brothers who lived next door with their Kalenjin wives. "We came out of the house and saw people with torches," Kering said. "They burned our house." Guthua, knowing she would be spared because she is not Kikuyu, told his wife to take care of the children, ages 17, 15 and 8. Then he took off at a run with his brothers, Steven and Mwangi. The three have not been home since, and their wives say the marriages are over, their husbands too terrified to return. "We never had a problem before this election," said Kering's sister-in-law and neighbor, 27-year-old Eunice Kinyanjui, who is pregnant with her second child with Steven Guthua. "We lived happily in our family until this disaster." The women are too scared join their husbands, wherever they are, because of the hatred Kikuyus face. They have decided to stay behind and face an unsympathetic community. "The people here, they say, 'Who told you to intermarry?'" Kinyanjui said, adding that they have not been targeted for violence, only shunned. "We are now useless to the community, they don't talk to us, anything." Kemei Gilbert, 18, a Kalenjin who was manning a roadblock in the area, said the women deserved no sympathy. "These women are not our problem," Gilbert said. "In Africa, when a woman marries, she belongs to that community." Kering and Kinyanjui both say they are confident their husbands are alive. Kering's husband called her two days after he fled, telling her he would likely go to Nairobi. Kinyanjui hasn't heard from her husband of three years, but he told her as he left that they might meet again. "I'll just believe that one day, one time, he will come," she said, her face wet with tears. Terms of Use
